Amongst applying for grad schemes, realising I'm a university finalist, reading for my dissertation and attempting to pay off my over draft I've lost all sense of youthfulness. Today I bought anti-wrinkle cream for my eyes! Yes at 20 years old I'm already living in fear of crows feet. Probably legitimate from all the exhausted squinting at daylight I've been doing recently. Is this another sign of ageing? Being unable to face even minimal UVA exposure?
Me being a picture of grown up responsibility, drinking Cava from a glass
I've always had a little bit of a Peter Pan complex, the thought of turning Twenty horrified me, I still refer to myself as a teenager which quite frankly is tragic, I cringe inwardly at the phrase 'twenteen'. But it does have a nice in-between feel to it. In between is very much what I am. I'm still in education but still hoping the fact I'm quite the communicator and make a cracking cuppa will be enough to get me a job. I'm in a relationship with someone I adore but still panic at the fact some of my friends are engaged. Like proper, full on , marriage and babies plans engaged. I struggle to commit to a blush shade for longer than 3 months. I can now, after 2 years and managing to fuck up ready meals, cook entire healthy meals for myself from scratch but could I throw an 'adult' dinner party? No, I'd be the one on come dine with me getting everyone so drunk that they can't see properly and give me a back of the taxi 9 when they actually intended on a 6 thanks to my slightly burnt chicken and raw-on-the-inside desert. So in some ways I'm still a scatty kid, in others I'm freaking out about when my bus pass will arrive in the post.
Today however, almost finished me off.
I popped into my old halls of residence. I only lived their in my first year but as I was responsible for planning Freshers Week (getting 200 18 year olds drunk) I spent a lot of time their last year. Today I experienced my third move in day. I now have a 3rd Holt Hall Freshers wristband gracing my wrist. I proudly observed the committee who I took over from absolutely smashing it and doing an amazing job, getting a b it emotional like an embarrassing mum. Here were friends I'd seen at their very worst in their freshers year last year being all responsible and grown up, something I'm sure will last for 5 seconds.
I felt like a grandma in the corner. I feel like 2 years of my life have literally disappeared. My own Fresher's feels like 5 minutes ago but it was 2 full years. I'm no longer the fresh faced 18 year old I was back then (see below). I might as well get my granny trolley and pension now.
In between freaking out i've also had a lot of happy realisations. I've survived 2 years of a degree, securing 2:1's in both years, hopefully I'll come out with one, I've just moved into my 2nd student house with the same lovely friends from first year. My house mate Zara is literally the first person I spoke to on my first day of uni. I remember freaking out about meeting new people, would they understand my my accent, would my sarcastic sense of humour go straight over their heads, how the fuck was I gonna stay sober enough to not embarrass myself. Luckily I found the most incredible friends I could ask for, I managed stay sober for all of 5 minutes but embarrassment was little to none and was accepted by all around me, they still struggle with the accent though.
So my slightly autistic resistance to change is slowly weakening, my inner Peter Pan has accepted that growing older has it's benefits. Uni's been a huge learning curve.
I've become more independent, I could barely look after myself before I moved out. My confidence has increased 10 fold and i've done things I could never have dreamed of 2 years ago. It's a cliche but uni really has changed my life.
I could do without the eye cream but I'm slowly realising that my freak out itself was a sign that i'm far from grown up. And change isn't all that bad. Next year I could potentially be moving away, starting a new job in an industry I really have a passion for and I know the friendships i've made will stand the test of that.
So, the night is still young, and to celebrate that i'm gonna hit the first night of freshers week and party like it's 2010.